'Wise women' find roles as mentors in
girls' lives
March 01, 2001
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There are at least 13 things about which a teen or adolescent
daughter will not willingly talk to a parent, according to Pegine
Echevarria, a leading authority on mentoring girls.
They are the stuff from which parental nightmares are made. I
had sex last night; I had unprotected sex last night; I'm pregnant;
I've been smoking for a while; I got drunk last night; I want to
kill myself; I vomit after each meal; my mom doesn't care about me;
I hate myself; he hit me; an older male friend or relative keeps
sending me love notes; this guy made me do something I didn't want
to do; and I want the Pill.
A young daughter will be more likely to tell a girlfriend
these things than the people who brought her into this world. It's a
regrettable yet predictable phase and has, with most families, more
to do with not wanting to displease or disappoint than with lack of
trust.
However, the problem for youngsters is that adolescent or
teen peers often don't have the life experiences to help in
productive and substantive ways.
That's where mentors - adult ones - can save and change
lives, Echevarria insists. For girls there is a particular need for
wise women to serve as mentors - women who can help girls discern,
for instance, between puppy love and love, manipulation and caring
and love and sex. Needed are women who can guide girls through the
years when bad decisions with lifelong consequences are easier to
make.
Echevarria finds limited utility in the famous "It Takes a
Village" adage. In a village, everyone can assume the person in the
hut next door is doing the job.
Echevarria, who has a master's in social work and has run and
worked in programs for girls, calls for women - aunts, respected
family friends and others - to step forward in very personal ways to
take individual responsibility.
She explains it in her first book, For All Our Daughters:
How Mentoring Helps Young Women and Girls Master the Art of Growing
Up.
In the old days, girls learned about matters physical,
emotional, spiritual, intellectual and fiscal while listening to
wise women talk to other women.
In this age of technology, however, the messages are much
more difficult to pick out of the static, contends Echevarria, the
mother of a 14-year-old boy and a 12-year-old girl. Television,
movies and music intrude. And these, of course, are not always good
sources. Listen up, Eminem.
This mentoring involves a pact - with wise women sought out
and trusted by parents. For her daughter, Echevarria's
sister-in-law, best friend and mother have stepped forward.
"Every single mother and father must, if they truly care for
their daughter, reach out to other wise women in their lives."
There are rules, all spelled out in Echevarria's book. This
is not about mentors as snitches, but these mentors, after building
trust and confidence, know that they must nonetheless bring parents
into the loop if a girl's life is in jeopardy.
Mentors are important in any child's life, but Echevarria
says they are particularly important for girls. Females, she says,
communicate differently and put more value on sharing than do males.
"We learn who we are by speaking about it. It's how we are
most comfortable," she says.
Latinos have long had such a tradition - comadres,
tias and abuelitas as trusted guides. Any culture that
values extended families has a similar story. Even so, these values
are under continuous assault.
Yes, boys need help, too. In fact, the empirical evidence
tells us they may be in even more trouble than our girls.
But this is not an either/or situation. Echevarria asks that
wise women step forward for girls and that wise men step
forward for boys. It's just that the needs are different.
If an adult is hesitant to step forward, she recommends a
more structured mentoring program to first learn the ropes.
Echevarria says, "Kids we mentor will become mentors."
That's quite a payoff.
Copyright 2001, The Arizona Republic. All rights reserved
Gannett Co. Inc
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